Today is February fourth 2007, a day that marks roughly the half way point in my time here in Spain. It is Sunday, and the city is rather quiet. My room is clean and my mind seems to be rather mellow. Tomorrow will soon be here and class will begin once more, the grind of class and scholarships will soon dominate my mind, but today is one of simple reflection on life.
What can or should be said of my time here thus far? In what ways have I grown? How have I changed? To be honest, it is not clear and that is ok with me. Since, my journey in Spain started I have had my fair share of difficulties. Many times I have laid my head on my pillow confused and overwhelmed. In the last five months, I have seen many new places and built new relationships, while old friendships have unfortunately dwindled and memories of home have in some ways faded.
A recent conversation with an old friend has reminded me that I am ultimately responsible for none other than myself. This reality is one that I somehow forger frequently, but it is important. One of the major challenges in my time here is trying to understand that not everyone is like me. I am astonished when I discover that people are not in some state of internal debate, because for me, the struggle to understand life and faith is one of the most important aspects of who I am. Not every one losses sleep with questions like “what does it mean to love people?” or “what is truth” or “what was Jesus all about and how would he live if he were in my place?” The fact that I struggle with these questions does not make me better or wore, but it simply communicates that I cam wired differently.
One of the most important developments in my time here it that the majority of the things I believe are more flexible. A short time ago, having a full proof orthodoxy was a must and my internal harmony was dependant upon my beliefs. In some ways this is still true, but I feel a certain amount of flexibility now. I am ok saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand” instead of giving a canned answer to difficult questions. To be honest, it is very freeing. To some this might sound strange and maybe it is, but I don’t mind being strange, because the reality is that we are all a little strange in our own way. I am open for dialogue, but no longer open for argumentation. Development takes time and to try and come to a conclusion without working through the process is, in my opinion a step backward. If I cannot say something with a certain amount of integrity that comes with honest personal examination then I will not speak.
There is a certain amount of mystery that is lost when we think we know it all. I was once scared of the mystery but now I am trying to embrace it.
What can or should be said of my time here thus far? In what ways have I grown? How have I changed? To be honest, it is not clear and that is ok with me. Since, my journey in Spain started I have had my fair share of difficulties. Many times I have laid my head on my pillow confused and overwhelmed. In the last five months, I have seen many new places and built new relationships, while old friendships have unfortunately dwindled and memories of home have in some ways faded.
A recent conversation with an old friend has reminded me that I am ultimately responsible for none other than myself. This reality is one that I somehow forger frequently, but it is important. One of the major challenges in my time here is trying to understand that not everyone is like me. I am astonished when I discover that people are not in some state of internal debate, because for me, the struggle to understand life and faith is one of the most important aspects of who I am. Not every one losses sleep with questions like “what does it mean to love people?” or “what is truth” or “what was Jesus all about and how would he live if he were in my place?” The fact that I struggle with these questions does not make me better or wore, but it simply communicates that I cam wired differently.
One of the most important developments in my time here it that the majority of the things I believe are more flexible. A short time ago, having a full proof orthodoxy was a must and my internal harmony was dependant upon my beliefs. In some ways this is still true, but I feel a certain amount of flexibility now. I am ok saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand” instead of giving a canned answer to difficult questions. To be honest, it is very freeing. To some this might sound strange and maybe it is, but I don’t mind being strange, because the reality is that we are all a little strange in our own way. I am open for dialogue, but no longer open for argumentation. Development takes time and to try and come to a conclusion without working through the process is, in my opinion a step backward. If I cannot say something with a certain amount of integrity that comes with honest personal examination then I will not speak.
There is a certain amount of mystery that is lost when we think we know it all. I was once scared of the mystery but now I am trying to embrace it.
