Mystery

Today is February fourth 2007, a day that marks roughly the half way point in my time here in Spain. It is Sunday, and the city is rather quiet. My room is clean and my mind seems to be rather mellow. Tomorrow will soon be here and class will begin once more, the grind of class and scholarships will soon dominate my mind, but today is one of simple reflection on life.

What can or should be said of my time here thus far? In what ways have I grown? How have I changed? To be honest, it is not clear and that is ok with me. Since, my journey in Spain started I have had my fair share of difficulties. Many times I have laid my head on my pillow confused and overwhelmed. In the last five months, I have seen many new places and built new relationships, while old friendships have unfortunately dwindled and memories of home have in some ways faded.

A recent conversation with an old friend has reminded me that I am ultimately responsible for none other than myself. This reality is one that I somehow forger frequently, but it is important. One of the major challenges in my time here is trying to understand that not everyone is like me. I am astonished when I discover that people are not in some state of internal debate, because for me, the struggle to understand life and faith is one of the most important aspects of who I am. Not every one losses sleep with questions like “what does it mean to love people?” or “what is truth” or “what was Jesus all about and how would he live if he were in my place?” The fact that I struggle with these questions does not make me better or wore, but it simply communicates that I cam wired differently.

One of the most important developments in my time here it that the majority of the things I believe are more flexible. A short time ago, having a full proof orthodoxy was a must and my internal harmony was dependant upon my beliefs. In some ways this is still true, but I feel a certain amount of flexibility now. I am ok saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand” instead of giving a canned answer to difficult questions. To be honest, it is very freeing. To some this might sound strange and maybe it is, but I don’t mind being strange, because the reality is that we are all a little strange in our own way. I am open for dialogue, but no longer open for argumentation. Development takes time and to try and come to a conclusion without working through the process is, in my opinion a step backward. If I cannot say something with a certain amount of integrity that comes with honest personal examination then I will not speak.

There is a certain amount of mystery that is lost when we think we know it all. I was once scared of the mystery but now I am trying to embrace it.

Project Proposal

Please help by sharing your thoughts.

I am applying for a research project scholarship and need some help with my proposal. I have three ideas and am open to thoughts and critics. I have never done anything like this and would love some feedback. The description says that it is an “academic research project” and that might eliminate my third idea. So here they are.

#1
Topic: Latin American
Description: I would like to investigate current Latin American literature that has been influenced positively or negatively by the relationship of the United State with the author’s native country.
Target countries: Bolivia, Venezuela, Chile
#2
Topic: Enlightenment literature
Description: To look at the Enlightenment movement in a literary context and investigate the effects they had in Europe and the United states in the 18th century.
#3
Topic: Study Abroad
Description: To write an account of my one year study abroad experience in Zaragoza Spain.
I understand that none of the ideas are filled out, but that will be the next stage in the process.

Goodbye

I said goodbye to a good friend today. As we walked to the bus station my emotions were surging within me. It sucks to say goodbye, not know if you will ever see that person again. She was my best friend here in Zaragoza, from our first conversation we connected in a way that only happens a few times in a person’s life.
Our friendship started when I asked if she would be interested in a language exchange. I wanted to learn a little French and she wanted some help in English, so we set up a time. It took us an hour before we actually started talking about French, the conversation flowed and it was beautiful. We talked about life and what it means to love people. We were two people with very different backgrounds, but we shared a common desire to love.
When I lost Josh, she listened as we walked around the cold streets. She shared in my sorrow and for that I will be forever grateful. She is gone now, and a part of me is now missing. Of course we have made plans to see each other again, but often times those plans never come to pass. It hurts, but I am thankful for the friendship that has been developed over the past four months.

coffee and brain vomit

Note: If you drinking strong coffee at night; the result is often times staring at the walls in your room and thinking about stuff like this…

What can we know? Can we know truth? Why do we have nose hair? Why are apples red?

So, here is some brain vomit for you.

Think about an event in your life, now think about how you understood it at the moment it occurred, and then think about how differently you view that same event now. It seems to me that as time progresses our perspective changes. With a little distance between us and the event we tend to interpret it differently. Some people will say that hind sight is 20:20, I tend to think its 20:18, and we are always a little far sighted, or maybe near sighted. I will contend that we see and understand things better with distance; it is always a little clearer but never perfect.

How does this work with the previously mentioned questions? Well, I am not so sure. But, it is interesting to think about how the things we “know” changes with time. It is a little disturbing to think about how there was once a time when everyone in the world thought the world was flat. Some people “knew” it with such certainty that they were willing to kill anyone who would challenge their idea. But, as time moved forth like a middle school marching band, we began to accept these new ideas. With time, the idea of a round earth was accepted as fact. (no source to back up anything I have just said)

Maybe asking such questions is just affirmation that you should not drink coffee late in the afternoon, or maybe we can learn something. To be honest I am not so sure, but that is ok with me (not really, these types of questions bug me a lot). Maybe we can’t really know anything; maybe “Truth” is relative. If God exists, it would make since that he/she/it would be the only thing capable of knowing any form of absolute truth because he/she/it is the only being capable of being outside of time, if outside of time then no change of perspective, if outside of perspective then no change in perception, if outside of perception then _____. (I got nothing, Zedler and Jimmy I could use a little help)


Next post subject: nose hair.

Here is a link to some pictures from Paris.

http://okstate.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2092014&l=cc867&id=17116554

Sermon on the Kingdom

http://www.whchurch.org/content/page_173.htm

If you have time, listen to the sermon "Holistic Kingdom" it is good and gives me hope that there is beauty in the Church.

Cannery Row

“’It has always seemed strange to me’, said Doc. “The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the product of the second.’”

Cannary Row
John Steinback


This has been one of the better books I have read as of late. I recomend it if you are looking for something to read.

France

I don’t have the energy or the motivation to try and explain all that I saw and experienced while in France. Christmas with a beautiful family, New Years in Paris, reading “Catcher in the Rye” beside a fire in Brittany, eating wonderful food and enjoying the company of friends is only a start.

For the moment, I am back in Zaragoza preparing for exams and trying to just keep my mind from exploding from all the thoughts and questions that seem to be following me around. For this reason, my post will be short and vague until I can gain some clarity and muster some energy to write with a little more detail.

Friends and family, I miss you and hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and New Years.

Drawing lines

What is it about drawing lines that seems to be so prevalent within the way I see the world? Often times I rush to group people into those who are “in” and those who are “out”. I classify people into religious groups, political groups and moral groups. In drawing lines I seclude myself and fail to see that not only are we all connected, but in separating myself I deny any chance to love.

I was reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller last night and one of the last chapter hit me in a peculiar way. Miller was talking about an experience he had with some hippies in the woods, he talked about how his upbringing taught him to steer clear of liberals, homosexuals and pot heads. However, after spending a month together with these evildoers, he found that they were indeed some of the most loving and accepting people he had ever met. He reflects about some past Christian communities he has been apart of saying,

"The problem with Christian community was that we had our ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in Christian community, but it was conditional love. Sure, we called it unconditional, but it wasn't. There were bad people in the world and good people in the world...Christianity was always right; we were always looking down on everybody else. And I hated this... I was tired of biblical ethics being used as a tool with which to judge people rather than heal them. I was tired of Christian leaders using biblical principles to protect their power, to draw a line in the sand separating the good army from the bad one."

I have some good friends here. It was hard at first to know how I should act around them, I mean they are... catholic (gasp) or agnostic, of atheist. There was this tension, something down deep within me that was putting this enormous pressure on my heart and mind to...well, save them.

If you cannot relate to what I am saying, let me share with you a little secret. It is hard and lets not forget awkward to carry on a conversation when you are thinking about try to change the other persons minds. In fact, I am going out on a limb in saying, it is impossible to love them, when you are trying to force change upon them.

It did not take long for me to identify this pressure to "convert the world" as something that is not good. Sure, it looks good, but it isn't. In the past four months I have had some of the most incredible conversations of my life. My friends have taught me how to listen and how to love. In fact, they have shown me Christ.

We may not share the views, but when you think about the word "view" as in "worldview" there is not a person in the world the sees and understands reality in the same way. We all "view" a painting or "see" a sun set differently, is one right and the other wrong? This is a rather vast subject and one that indeed makes people nervous, in fact it makes me uncomfortable just writing about it. Can every one be right? Well, I guess that depend upon the question. Some questions are by nature objective, others not so much. I am going to leave this question/thought open. But, my original point of the post was this: drawing lines is like building a wall and when we build walls between people who think or live differently than us, we are no longer in a position to love them, and if my memory serves me right, that was one of the things Jesus kept on nagging about.

O yeah, Merry Christmas to everyone!

I will be in France with my roommates and their families. I know sounds rough. All this traveling is starting to take a tole on me, but I will try to tough it out and take a few pictures along the way.

Note: about the picture, if you don't agree with me about what I have just written you too shall face me in the circle of doom (and yes, I won).

Location: Valencia, Spain a few weeks ago